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[Nov. 27th, 2007|03:26 pm] |
About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them and some wont like you at all.
Rita Mae Brown |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2007|11:21 am] |
You probably won't want to be in the spotlight today. Nevertheless, you still want approval from those close to you, even if you feel that you are being unduly criticized. If others are not being supportive, try to relax and take things less seriously. Remember, your happiness is dependent on you, not on anyone else.
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| The Matches - Salty Eyes |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|08:46 pm] |
The Matches - Salty Eyes
This is a very beautiful song. The meanings are endless.....
Do you belong to a song?
Does it drag you along by the tongue at the top of your lungs?
Are you drunk?
Have you been drinking?
Do you below the overpass go with a fifth in your fist
reminiscing the kiss of a love that just didn't love as much as you did?
But please don't give up, dear walls.
Don't let the ceiling fall.
When you belong to a song, Salty Eyes.
You belong.
Shrill notes begin the grim violin.
Then from the silence of violence the sirens orchestrate the score.
To which one more corpse is left quiet.
How we've become the hollows of drums.
The rest between notes and the hollers that never reach throats.
"Friends" in quotes, they're not calling.
But please don't give up dear you.
I'm but the sliver moon sliding through
When you belong to a song, salty eyes.
You belong.
Do please believe, however naive.
let it drag you along by the tongue at the top of your lungs.
And belong salty eyes.
When you belong to a song, salty eyes.
You belong. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|07:46 am] |
my horroscope made a funny
You may be fascinated by someone you meet today and could possibly fall in love, even if you don't share your feelings with your potential lover. You may be hesitant to come clean with your attractions. Whether or not your fantasies are ever expressed out loud, it's crucial to give yourself permission to feed them with your attention.
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2007|09:21 am] |
My horoscope for the day:
You are focused on having a good time now, and the truth is that your wishes can come true. This won't happen, though, unless you pay attention to the details. Unfortunately this can be problematic, for you aren't in the mood to deal with little things that just don't seem crucial. Nevertheless, put those blinders on and do what is necessary so you can play later on.
My love quote for the day:
"Love is like a knife, it can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that will last a lifetime."
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2007|07:08 am] |
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"You say that love is nonsense.... I tell you it is no such thing. For weeks and months it is a steady physical pain, an ache about the heart, never leaving one, by night or by day; a long strain on one's nerves like toothache or rheumatism, not intolerable at any one instant, but exhausting by its steady drain on the strength." Henry Brooks Adams |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2007|06:53 am] |
My horoscope for today
Although you are often able to be fully aware of the present moment, increased dream activity can stir up memories of your past. This emphasis on your inner life can wreak havoc on your outer world, causing you to read signals incorrectly or to judge a current situation based upon an old hurt or a previous success. If you slip into a fantasy, gently bring yourself back to here and now.
My love quote for today
"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind". William Shakespeare in A Midsummer Night's Dream (I, i, 234)
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| Crimson thoughts |
[Sep. 11th, 2007|12:51 am] |
Today has been another somber day. I was actually able to sleep last night. I think it is from the pure exhaustion and lack of eating but I did get some rest. I took the week off from work so I could better compose myself and to continue to be able to help Stephanie’s family.
I had the flyer I made last night printed up on an 11x17 sheet today and it turned out very well. I had it done at American Printing in Ocean Springs. If anyone wants a copy, it is only $2.00 to have it printed.
I went back to her mother’s house this morning to give her copies of all the pictures I had and the ones that had been sent to me. It killed me to go through all of the pictures again especially with her mother. She was crying the entire time and I was rubbing her shoulder doing my best to fight the tears. This is so hard to walk around pretending everything is ok when it is not.
I got on Steph’s computer today and was able to find out the top 25 songs she listened to through Itunes. I will post the list tomorrow or Wednesday for those who would like to know Stephanie on a more personal level. Music and art was her life, and this can give you a little more of an insight as to who she was.
While I was at her mom’s house, I had to speak with the minister who is speaking at her funeral. It was so hard to tell him about what a great person Stephanie is. The family wanted me to read the poem I wrote her in the past but I know there is no way possible for me to be able to do so. I would love to be able to stand in front of everyone and go on about my dear Stephanie. I would try to mimic her stance, shake my head, and mouth off about something. I could even try her little white girl dance she liked to do when she was out having a good time. I just know I will not be able to compose myself tomorrow. I think my personal breakdown will be during the service. I want to continue to be strong but I don’t know how much longer this wall will stand.
After I spent time with her family, I wanted to spend time with Jessica. I can tell that over the past two days she is taking things very hard. She is doing her best to be there for me but I could just tell something is wrong. When I was out yesterday helping the family, I came home and I had a card in the door of my apartment. It was a card from Jessica expressing her sorry for what I am going through and that she is there for me in any way that I need her to be. That meant so much to me. I can’t express the feelings that Jessica is going through in this blog but she feels very bad through all of this. She and Stephanie had some words in the past over the triangle of a relationship we had but through this, Jessica sees just how special Stephanie is and what she meant and did for me. I just hope I explained exactly what Jessica means to me and the place she has in my heart. No one will ever replace Stephanie and no one should. Jessica has her own special place in my life and not many people get to see inside of who I am. The time Jessica spent with me today set me at ease and helped calm down my nerves of what I am going through.
This afternoon, I went over to Chris and Liberty’s house to hang out with them and Stephanie’s nirras. They put together a beautiful collage that just made me want to smile and cry at the same time. We spent the past 5 or 6 hours talking about some of the great memories we shared with Stephanie. She touched people in so many ways. I can only hope I have the ability to touch people the way she has during my lifetime.
I did more thinking today while I was driving around or just spacing out. This event is just more proof that even though we are wrong, we are nowhere near invincible in the way we think that we are. I can’t tell you the number of people who are my age or younger that do not have life insurance. A simple policy at our age is very inexpensive. If you have never been through something like this, you can only imagine the grief a family goes through. When you put a financial bind on top of it, it can be so overwhelming for a family. I never want to do this to my daughter. She is the only family that I have. I have life insurance but I do not have a will. My will, will be taken care very shortly.
While I was thinking about my will today, I started thinking about my sister. For those that do not know, my sister was murdered by a jealous boyfriend when I was in the tenth grade. She left behind a very beautiful daughter but did not have life insurance or a will. It was very hard on my mother to deal with the tragic loss of a child and the expenses of a funeral. My sister did have a final wish on a piece of paper. She had a boyfriend that she loved all throughout high school and into her adult years. He was killed in a motorcycle accident. Her last wish was to be buried beside him because he was her true love that she was meant to be with. I started thinking about all the positives that Stephanie bought out in me and how she helped me become a better person with myself and the demons I hide from everyone. I can say if something happens to me in the near future or maybe long down the road, I would want to be cremated and if possible I would want to share the Urn with her. I think she would want that as well as I have learned so much about how felt about me. I can honestly see why my sister had this wish.
I have thought so many times about what if’s and I know it can never change anything but my mind keeps thinking about it all. Stephanie wanted me to see her Friday night if I could but when I came home, I decided I would just call her early Saturday morning and speak with her. I wonder what she wanted to see about and if it could have changed the outcome of anything. I’ll never know but it keeps coming across my mind when I am home alone. The past two days, while I am at home, I don’t leave my room unless I need to use the bathroom. My apartment is filled with so many things that Stephanie and I bought together. When I walk into my apartment, I am filled with so many memories of our house together and the feelings behind it all. I would give anything to be able to roll back time and be able to walk into the apartment before she got off work and have dinner on the stove when she walked in the door. I loved cooking for her. She would always smile and be so thankful of any meal I put together…ahaha…she would even do the dishes every time if I cooked for us. I can just picture her standing over the stove with her butt poked out and licking her lips wanting her vegetables and her jalapeno peppers on the side.
Tomorrow is her funeral. I still can’t believe I am attending another funeral of some one very close to me. I’m too young for this shit. It’s supposed to all happen when you are old and grey. It just seems that every couple years, I am faced with another tragedy in this game called life. It started with my sister being murdered at the age I am now, my mother choking on her medicine, and now a dear and loved friend in a car accident. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t get close to anyone as it will end in a sorrowful way. Again, it proves we never know way the next day will bring us. |
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| Rambling thoughs of a thoughtless mind |
[Sep. 9th, 2007|09:42 pm] |
Back in probably October of last year, Stephanie and I had a long serious conversation about death in our living room in the house we had bought. I don’t remember how the conversation come up but we discussed what we would want if something bad would have happened to either one of us. Once we discussed our plans with each other we started talking about the afterlife. Stephanie did not believe in God and I have some reservations about it as well but I do believe in a higher power. We talked and made a pinky swear type pact that whoever went first would haunt and watch over the other one.
I got home last night around 3 am I think. I tried to go to sleep but I was very upset holding back a lot of emotions. I talked with Jessica for awhile about Stephanie but I was mostly just rambling on because I still can’t think straight. When I finally did go to sleep, I started having the most realistic slide show type dream. I saw pictures of the life that Stephanie and I shared together. It was events in our life that I haven’t thought of in well over a year. It was unreal at what my mind was bringing forth, and then what made me wake up happened. I saw a small green car (I still do not know what color the car she was in), and then it flashed to two wrists from two girls wearing armbands, and then it was like I was looking through someone else’s eyes and I saw a big truck and lights….I woke up in a sweat. Needless to say, I didn’t go back to sleep. As I laid there, I felt like someone was rubbing my hair. I swear I felt this. I turned over to say thanks to Jessica but she was facing the opposite direction and was asleep. I laid back down the other direction and it happened again. I don’t know if my mind was playing tricks on me but it felt real. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was too emotional to understand why I was feeling this way.
I left my house this morning around 9am to go see Stephanie’s parents. We raised $833 to go towards her funeral expenses and I want to give that to them early in the day. While I was there, they let me sign Stephanie off AIM because I told her mom it was killing me to see her signed on. I then went on a search on her computer to find pictures. Her mother doesn’t have any recent pics and wants any that she can find of her beautiful daughter. Steph didn’t have too many saved on her computer though. They then gave me the keys to her car to see if I could drive through the IP parking garage and see if it is there. I left after several shed tears and headed to the IP. I found Stephanie’s car on the 7th floor facing the water.
I unlocked her car and it hit me. I will never be riding in this car again arguing over what to play on the Ipod or begging to let me smoke because I can’t wait until I get home. I took her Ipod with me because I bought it for our first Valentine’s Day together. The reason I wanted this is because I had it personalized for Stephanie. While Stephanie and I were together, she brought out a lot of good in me. I went through a bad divorce in the past and locked so much of myself inside. I had low self-confidence and I hate so many things about myself. She was able to lead me to see how great of a person I am and that I have a huge heart. She eventually made me see things so much differently which is why I had this engraved on her Ipod……”I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl.” I read that today and I lost it in the parking garage. She and I have been broken up since January but at that moment all I wanted was for my Stephanie to call me her “loveybutts”. I wanted to see her smile and make her retarded as noises with her mouth.
After I found the car, it was pretty much time for me to go meet her family at the funeral home. We had to go through all the stuff of what the funeral will consist of and the arrangements. The family had me pick out most of the details and while I didn’t cry in the room, I was busting apart on the inside. I wanted to be strong for her mom but I just wanted to go in a corner and cry the entire time I was there. Once everything was signed and paid for, we were able to see Stephanie. I won’t get into details but she still looked just as beautiful as ever to me. Despite the markings of an accident, I just wanted to wake her up. I knew she was gone but all I wanted to do was see her wake up and ask me for a hug. It was so hard to view her like that. I was going to marry this girl just a few months ago and now I am here picking out cards for her funeral. What a turn life can take in just a short amount of time?
While I was at her parents this morning, her mom started talking about how Stephanie cared and talked about me. She showed me a few things on her computer that tore me apart. This girl really and truly loved me but had some confusion about her life that made things complicated. I don’t think anyone has ever cared for me the way she does. I couldn’t believe it. I just hate I had to find out about it this way. I’d give anything to hold her now like I would in the past when she was upset or sick because then I would know things would be ok for her. We broke up but I never stopped caring about her. Feelings changed a little but I did care and still do care. I loved her as a person because she truly was a great person if you were lucky to know the real Stephanie. She was not only beautiful on the outside, but she was beautiful on inside. Where ever she may be now, I hope she as peace like she always wanted.
I’ve been going through pictures all night that I have taken over the past few years. I’ve been finding pictures of her so I can give them to her mother. I think I have cried the entire time. With each picture I open, I see her smile and then I remember the night I took the picture. I loved taking pictures of her because they almost always turned out great. She has a beautiful smile that was just natural for any camera. I made a cheesy flyer out of all the pics and when I finished….I broke down one more time. I can’t come to grip that she will not be coming around anytime soon. After talking to Jessica for a while and her listening to me go on and on about things…I started to look at the flyer again and I just kept staring at all of her smiles on there. I can honestly say that for the most part of our relationship, Stephanie was happy with me. We always had a great time at home together or just going on a road trip around the block. She touched my life in so many ways and I hope I touched hers somehow before she left us. I’ve done so much thinking today and my emotions are in so many different directions.
I’ve lost so many close people to me during my old age. Parents, sister, friends, and now my Stephanie. I hope to never have to walk into a viewing room again in a funeral home. I’ve been in several at different funeral homes but they are all the same. It’s a cold death grip on your heart filled with pain and the question of why. RIP Stephanie….as you will never fade away.
Here is a poem I wrote Stephanie awhile back when we were dating……
Tenderness
There is tenderness
In your heart
It is daisies and clovers on bright summer day
Sharing emanations from their soft petals with heaven.
There is tenderness
In your mind
Waves that envelop and lap and froth over
Glaciers that touch the mountains and hide them from the heat.
All this tenderness
All this tenderness
That you give
Is like clouds on a summer day
Is like meadows in which flowers blossom
Is like fountain in which fish are swimming
Is like wings of butterflies on a fuscia
Is like rainbow-white lilies in a country pond.
This is tenderness.
That you give to me in your eyes
That you impress on me with your fingers
That you touch to my face with your soft and bounteous lips.
In your breasts
Is eternal tenderness
That will call of itself with me
Until I can bear no longer
Until I can be no longer
Until I shout out to you
In ecstasy
For your love.
In your heart
Is eternal tenderness
That will touch on the time's insanity
That will overcome its infection
That will cleanse its byproducts from the Milky Way
And give the cleansed slate to the universe.
There is tenderness
In your eyes
That is skies hanging over
And holding the earth in their soft blue embrace.
In your soul
There is endless tenderness
Spilling over like a symphony
And enveloping the earth.
So much tenderness
So much tenderness
That it reaches the stars
And takes them away from their self-satisfaction
And says, look at us, heal us, enrich us, give us your love.
I don't know how much tenderness
Can a single heart carry
It must be overflowing
And shattering against the ribcage
Breaking against the self.
Your tenderness
Is a natural force
That intensifies for as long as we exist
And lives forever.
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| Spaz's Birthday Party Pics with Rise Down and Vysion |
[Sep. 3rd, 2007|12:03 pm] |
We celebrated a very special birthday party two weeks ago at Thunder’s Tavern. It was none other than the very original butt pirate, Spaz, who was throwing down with his friends in Pascagoula. The night started off with a few shots and just turned into one hell of a party from there.
The bands Rise Down, Deadsun, and Vysion were set to perform. Unfortunately, Vysion never made it to the show and burned some bridges with the venue. So if you are a Vysion fan on the coast, you won’t be watching them at Thunder’s Tavern anytime in the future.
Rise Down is a newly formed cover band consisting of lead singer and rhythm guitar player Ryan Pique, Ron Yates on lead guitar, James Coleman on bass, and Mike Batia on the drums. These guys remind me a lot of Split 6 when they first started. The singer is very good and the rest of the band is getting their act together. We wanted them to play more songs but the bass player could only play 12 songs at the time. With due time and some more practice, these guys will be one the next party cover bands on the coast. You can check them out most Thursday night at Thunder’s Tavern in Pascagoula.
Deadsun ended up being the headliner due to a no show. This band hails from Nashville and was recently awarded the “Listener’s Choice” award from 102.9 The Buzz. These guys reminded me a lot of Drowning Pool with the fast chunky riffs followed by mellow vocals that lead into some majoring heart pounding screams. These guys definitely made up for the lack of one of the bands. I don’t think anyone even noticed that Vysion wasn’t there.
All in all, this was a great show put on by S&M Entertainment.
You can check out pictures here.
Special thanks to Jessica for helping out with the pictures as always. |
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